Hey, do you guys remember those
inane polls I created a few weeks back that pitted beloved television characters against one another, because apparently I have nothing better to do with my time (or have possibly replaced the time-management sector of my brain with trying to remember which member of Milli Vanilli is still alive, and whether he was the cute one)?
Anyway, the results are in! I know, thrilling isn't it? Your Monday is now covered in spangles!
Here's what I learned from a super serious analysis of my data. (By the way, eat your heart out, Nate Silver. I RULE at statistics.)
THE NAIL-BITERS
Lovable, if kind of dickless,
Friends dweeb Ross Geller narrowly bested
How I Met Your Mother's Ted Mosby by a margin of
one percent.
And in the ladies' competition,
Freaks and Geeks' Lindsay Weir out-angsted
My So-Called Life's Angela Chase by just under two percent. Actually, I'm pretty sure this battle was won through hair-pulling. No one can out-angst Angela Chase
Finally, Alex P. Keaton (53%) just managed to WASP the floor with Carlton Banks (47%). Oh yes, I did.
THE LANDSLIDES
As I expected, Liz Lemon handily opened up a can of whoop-ass (or, perhaps, a bag of Sabor de Soledad) on Carrie Bradshaw, to the tune of a 70% victory.
Proving that outer space aliens rule and illegal aliens drool, Mork
owned Balki Bartokomous with 72.2% of the vote.
My childhood crush,
Cheers' Sam Malone (74.5%) beat
Moonlighting's David Addison, probably because no one know who David Addison is and also because Sam Malone is smokin' hot.
As alluded to in the title of this post, Uncle Jesse from
Full House kicked
Gossip Girl dad Rufus Humphrey's ass, winning with 82.3%
But the biggest margin of victory belonged to none other than Zack Morris, who, with 87.5% of the vote, proved once and for all that Parker Lewis
can lose.
THE REST
Clarissa Darling (59.6%) over Blossom Russo.
Mona Robinson (55.7%) over Samantha Jones
Sue Sylvester (66.3%) over Amanda Woodward
Kevin Arnold (57%) over Sam Weir
Dylan McKay (63.4%) over Jordan Catalano
Julia Sugarbaker (60.2%) over Grace Adler
Meredith Grey (56.1%) over Ally McBeal
Kenneth Parcell (58.8%) over Anthony Bouvier
Carol Seaver (55.6%) over DJ Tanner
Wayne Arnold (61.2%) over Bud Bundy
Carmela Soprano (54.2%) over Nancy Botwin
Rudy Huxtable (68.7%) over Stephanie Tanner
A brief recap of what we've learned:
- The Arnolds reign supreme
- Carol Seaver will cutabitch (I like the graphic I made so much that I think I need to make tee-shirts)
- Rudy Huxtable does not suffer meth head fools
Oh, and Rob was the cuter one. And yes, he's dead.
Uncle Jesse Has No Mercy: The Poll Results Are In!